waiting for nothing

Its hard to wait for something,
Its harder to wait for something you badly want,
Its simply pure torture to wait for something you badly want, knowing that it probably won't even appear...

drowning in routines

I guess I need a getaway, I think I want one, alright actually I'm dying for one.

Nothing seems to be the problem, everything is falling into place, I'm getting used to the routine life in school. But then everything has just got so routine, so fixed and so mundane that I lost track of time, lost track of what's happening. I seem to lost control over my life to all this seemingly perfect routines. Its like I don't even know what happening and what in the world I'm doing half the time now. I've been through 6 weeks of school now and seriously I don't have much of an idea what's going on actually, I just know I have to appear in lectures and tutorials and that's all I've been doing.

I just think I need to break this routine and do something different to get my head back. I need to clear all this routine and throw them all out and regain control over what I'm supposed to and have been doing. Call me a control freak, but I really need to be in control to feel at ease, and not being in control over myself is seriously getting on my nerves and I hate this feeling.

-

As much as I won't change the way I think and do things, I wouldn't impose it upon you to change yours as well. But the bottom line is you play by your rules and I play by mine, giving in is something I would never do and something you shouldn't ever expect.

how's life?

The one question that I hate, I never really knew how to answer it. Whatever the answer ought to be, life haven't been exactly at its best recently. Just started uni life for like 2 months and I'm like reduced to a wreck physically and mentally. I don't get enough sleep, I am rushing deadlines everyday, I can't even really relax properly without having some projects or assignments coming to mind. Totally not what I signed up for. It feels hard to fit in and adapt no matter how hard I try, is it just meant to be that way? Or is it that I just haven't done enough? I'm just so sick of trying and having so many things to settle all at one go, I really need time for a breather, which is like near impossible? Will struggling on ahead like now really bring me to where I want to be???

I'll be whoever you think I am,
I'll do everything just as you expect.
However you choose to see me,
I don't really get bothered anymore.
I used to fight back,
and I used to cry.
Now I know its a waste of time,
Since you won't look beyond the surface,
Why should showing be my role to try?

past doesn't equal present

Was on the bus on the way to school today when I saw one of my primary school teacher with her two kids boarding the bus. To tell the truth, I actually used to hate her because she scolded our class the moment she stepped into our class for the first time as a relief teacher for something that I have already forgotten. But yeah I just disliked her from that moment on, by the way when I say I am someone who remembers everything done to me good or bad, I really do, especially if it is bad and I mean it in the way, I will still remember it and continue to hate you for it like 10 or 20 years later, yes that's bitchy I know,but really who doesn't, its just that people wants to be nice and say they forgot, who actually does anyway, but that's besides the point.

So there I was hiding in my own corner a few seats behind her and as I looked on at how she and her kids were communicating and the way she was mothering her kids, I started to think, maybe we did really deserve the scolding at that point in time, something I probably wouldn't admit to years back. But anyway, I was probably too biased in my hatred for her and everything, come to think of it I didn't even really know her, she was only our relief teacher for that one lesson and I started hating her from then on. Like well, by the looks of it she was a good mother and everything and probably to other students he was a good teacher. Well that's not the main point, the point is that I started realizing how childish and subjective I was being then taking into consideration that I was like 11 then. Its really just what dumb kids like me used to do...

They say with age comes wisdom, about the wisdom part I guess I still haven't come to the point to have acquired it with the coming with age. But one thing's for sure, with age, comes the ability to look beyond your once childishness, nativity, biases, subjectivity and shortsightedness and look at things from a totally different point of view as compared to the way you did before.Perhaps if we try to think about the way we used to behave before, they probably were all dumb and stupid, but then again I regret not that period of stupidity and dumbness and everything, for without then, I might not have the perspective that I now possess. Say it might just be a process that everyone will have to grow through in the process of maturing our thinking? =)

new everything but still old me =(

I'm finally back after I-have-no-idea how long and yes I know its been an awfully long time ever since I blogged. Anyways, started Uni life proper a few days back or should I say a week back. Man, I guess I would need a hell lot of time to get used to all this new things going on around me. First up, the freaking campus is so big that I am pretty sure if I am walking alone, I would most probably get lost in the middle of no where and start freaking out. And the thing is even if you get lost in JJ (don't ask me how I managed to did that but I really did), there are still a couple of familiar and warm faces around for you to approach to ask for directions. But in NUS,everyday you see faces that you have never seen in your entire life before and the point is that they look so cold that you would never have the guts to approach them not that I have tried though.

And then comes the stupid timetable thing, you see we have to bid for our own modules and ballot for our tutorials groups. Man we used to just have a timetable thrown at us and even though the change it every now and then and we grumble bout it non stop, we juts have to follow it through and not bother about anything else, now that we get to plan ours, its no better either and its like freaking troublesome to sit the entire day in front of the computer and click click and click for your timetable. And then after the timetable issues come the lectures itself, well so far its been interesting and everything and the lecturers are fun but it just feels so very different and you feel so withdrawn from the entire thing.

Oh the the tutorials which are going to start next week, there are participation points so we have to speak up if not we just lose the marks. Well, why can't they understand that we have nothing to say not because we are not paying attention but we just really have nothing to ask and we don't want to sound like dorks in front of the entire class with weird questions.

Anyway I really really miss A01 now although we are usually very noisy in class and irritate all the other classes during lectures, we do actually study together and everything. And everyday in school just feels so familiar and cosy which is what is lacking now, where did all the familiarity and cosiness go to? But then again, I shall hold on to the belief that there is change for a purpose and things will just get better cos this is just the start. So lets all cross our fingers and hope for the best.

Going off now to prepare for school which starts at 2 and ends at like 4 which is quite lame... =)